The Pump-Out Queen

People are funny.  Yes, all of us.  And, we all have those little idiosyncrasies that both make us the individual person we are, and that drive our spouses nuts!  You’ve heard about my first mate’s obsession with drying up every tiny corner of the bilge.  And you’ve learned of my “arocknephobia” (and other odd habits).  We’ve watched as others have been obsessive about cleaning their boats, or ridding them of bugs, or washing fenders, or whatever. 

But, our good friend Jan on Jolly Tolly has one of the funniest quirks we’ve come across on the Loop.  The woman just can’t stand to pass a pump-out station at a marina without getting Jolly Tolly pumped out.  We have lovingly dubbed her, “The Pump-Out Queen”.

Captain Ron and his "Pump-Out Queen"

When we first met Jan back along the Hudson, this odd behavior was not immediately apparent to us.  She was a “closet” pumper.  I think the first time we heard about it was from Ron, her captain (and husband).  Several of us were having dinner in Bobcaygen, Canada, and somehow the subject just came up.  Loopers rarely talk about their real jobs, or politics or other “normal” things we used to talk about when we were back in the world.  We talk about boats, problems on boats, where our boat has come from, where our boat is going, the marine weather forecast, and sometimes our families.  So while the topic of “pumping out” the septic system on your boat might seem to some of you like unusual dinner conversation, to Loopers…well, yes, it’s weird to us too. 

But Captain Ron was really frustrated.  It seems he has a gauge on the system that has five lights, indicating from low (one light) to full (five lights).  He managed to keep it a secret from Jan for some time, keeping “a lid on it”, so to speak.  Once she discovered the indicator lights, she became, according to Ron, a little nuts.  When she finds one light on, she begins to remind him they are about ready for another pump-out.  Two lights make her completely focused on finding the next marina with a station.  Three, well, Ron says he doesn’t ever get to three…and isn’t sure he ever wants to, even though I have heard him ask Jan patiently, “What do you suppose lights three, four and five are for, anyway?”  When Jan heard we had no level gauge on Once Around, she looked incredulously at the Admiral and said, “How do you sleep at night?



The bane of Captain Ron's day...Jan checking the status lights!

Perhaps the funniest illustration of Jan’s quirk was at the end of that dinner where Ron had bared his soul to us about his wife’s little “eccentricity”.  After dinner, a few of the Admirals rose to use the restroom (all together, naturally, they’re women aren’t they) at the restaurant before the fairly long walk back to the boat.  Jan jumped up with a smile from ear to ear and blurts out, “I know what you guys are up to!  You’re going for your FREE FLUSH!”  Evidently, getting her “free flush” is part of Jan’s normal routine…and poor Ron could only lower his eyes and shake his head slowly as the rest of us completely broke up!

Doug on Moonstruck has an evil idea…and I really like it.  He wants to sneak aboard Jolly Tolly and wire the indicator lights so we can control them with a remote control from our boat.  We could randomly keep changing them up or down, or set it so the next time she’s sitting on the head and checks it, all five lights are suddenly lit up without warning!  But, I’m afraid Jan might have a heart attack right there on the Vacu-Flush.  If not, poor Ron would probably be thrown overboard before he knew what hit him.  And, I shudder to think what could happen to Doug and me when she found us out.  After all, she's still an Admiral you know!

The whole thing reminds me of the lines in a Billy Currington country song,

God is great…

 beer is good…

…and people are crazy”.